Sticky Sexy Smokey Grilled Pineapple

Produce
Fresh Pineapple
1 Banana (very ripe)

Spices
Dark Brown Sugar
Pure Vanilla Extract
All Spice Berry

Booze
Spiced Rum

Start your glaze by adding your very ripe banana and some spiced rum into a blender and puree until it is the consistency of baby food, add some pure vanilla extract and one small freshly ground allspice berry while blending. Add more rum as needed, especially to you.

Now place 2 cups of dark brown sugar into a sauce pan with enough water to cover it and bring to a boil and reduce the heat to medium. Now add the banana/rum mixture, stirring frequently, reduce the liquid volume by about a third. After this cools to room temperature place it in a squirt bottle, it should be about the same viscosity as room temp maple syrup.

I like to cut my pineapple into planks about the size of an ice cream sandwich, this size seems to hold up better to the grill and lets you get some good char on the outside while keeping the center al dente.

Now with your well seasoned grill preheated to 500º carefully lay down the plank and let it sizzle for about two minutes, then flip and drizzle some of the glaze on, grilling for another two minutes. Reduce the heat to 300º and continue turning and applying glaze to build up a nice sticky, smoky, sexy glaze. Remove when your happy.

Serve with anything... Especially homemade vanilla ice cream... (drool)

Beer Brats with 'Sconnie Schmaltz

Being a Wisconsin Hillbilly knowing how to properly cook brats is a given. But I have to remember that not everyone is fortunate enough to hail from the fog shrouded valleys and heavily wooded hills of the Kettle Moraine, so in that case let me educate you in the proper technique.

SUPPLY LIST

MEAT
As many fresh brats* as you desire

PRODUCE
Yellow Onions (1 onion for every 3 brats)

DAIRY
Butter

HERBS
Black Peppercorns
Sage
Koshering Salt

BOOZE
Beer (1 bottle for every 3 brats)

* "Fresh Brats" does not mean Johnsonville or any other such mass produced crap. Go to a butcher shop, a real damn butcher shop where the guys wear white paper hats and bloody aprons and get some real bratwurst. One more thing, brat does not rhyme with cat, it rhymes with pot, say it right.

Now toss all your brats in a big pot, add your beer and your quartered onions, some peppercorns and a pinch of sage and heat on low. If your brats are not completely covered just top it off with some water. Now brats can tend to curl when cooked, if you want a nice straight brats for the buns, before you toss them in the pot, stick a wooden skewer down the center and snip off the ends leaving about an inch on either side. This will keep them nice and straight as they simmer. Once the brats are fully cooked, remove them and turn the heat up to high on the remaining liquid and add 1 stick of butter per dozen brats cooked and some koshering salt, skimming off the foam as necessary. Let this boil at med/high until you've reduced it to a nice thick consistency.

Go start the grill and once you've got a nice three count fire, remove the skewers if you've used them and slap them on the grill and roast them to your preferred color. I like my brats to look like a bad night in the burn ward..

Once the brats and schmaltz are finished, slap them in a brat bun, goop on some schmaltz and any other condiment you desire as long as it is either ketchup, mustard or sauerkraut, crack a cold beer and gorge yourself silly.

Dirty Bird BBQ Chicken

SUPPLY LIST

MEAT
As many cut up frier chickens as you wanna cook.

PRODUCE
1 Large Yellow Onion (per 2 lbs. of chicken)

HERBS & SPICES
Kosher Salt
Black Pepper
Rosemary
Thyme
Oregano

SAUCES
Your fave BBQ sauce.
( I personally like Sweet Baby Ray's )

BOOZE
1 bottle of beer per pound of chicken.

PREPERATION

Quarter your onion and throw it and the chicken into a big stock pot now add your beer and just enough water to cover. Now add your spices, for 2 lbs of chicken I use 2 tablespoons of salt, 1 tablespoon of pepper and 1/2 tablespoon of rosemary, thyme and oregano. Now cover and bring your heat up to medium until the water begins to steam, once it starts steaming bring the heat up to medium high and bring to a full rolling boil and continue for about 15 to 20 minutes. Again, you know your chicken is fully cooked when the juice runs clear when a piece is pierced. Now remove your stock pot from the heat, uncover and let stand until you can touch the sides of it with your bare hands.

The logic behind this: The reason I don't add the chicken to boiling water or remove the chicken from the water while its still piping hot is that the skin cooks and cools at a different rate than the meat. Now in BBQ chicken the skin is my fave part and it pisses me off when I lose some of it to the grill! So by gradually bringing it up to temp and let it cool slowly you help prevent skin curl or slippage.

Now gently pour your chicken into a collinder to strain and remove it to a large bowl or pan, place it in the fridge and let it dry. Now smother it in your BBQ sauce and go start the grill. If you use a propane grill, set it to medium/medium low then go back into the kitchen and place your left hand on your cutting board and break 2 fingers with a meat tenderizing mallet because you deserve it for not using charcoal. Those of you that are intelligent enough to know that charcoal is a superior cooking fuel start your grill and let the coals completely ash over and spread them out evenly. What we are looking for is a "Five Count Fire" that means you should be able to hold your hand about 4" above the grilling surface for a count of five. (ex: 1-mississippi, 2-mississippi, 3-mississippi, 4-mississippi, 5-mississippi---YEOWCH!) The cleaner your cooking surface is the less things are gonna stick, so make sure its nice and clean. Now lightly oil your grilling surface by soaking a rag or paper towel in canola oil (it has the highest flashpoint) and using your tongs rub it across the cooking surface. Be sure to have your bottom vents completely open and have a spray bottle full of water on hand in case of extreme flame ups.

Now slap your chicken on that fire and immediately close the cover and open the top vent to full. Let any left over onions pieces slip through the grill and hit the coals, this will add to the smoke and give a better flavor, close the cover and leave undisturbed for 5 minutes. Now open it, mop some more BBQ on the top, gently turn each piece over and mop it with more BBQ. Close the top and let cook 5 more minutes. Keep doing this until the chicken skin is crisped to your likeness. We like ours to be charred to perfection, glossy, black and cracklin' crisp.. mmm mmm mmmm...you dirty, dirty bird.....

Grilled Brussles Sprouts

Supply List:

• 2 bags of frozen Brussels Spouts
• 2 sticks of butter
• 2 heaping tablespoons of chopped garlic
• kosher salt
• black pepper

Melt the butter and add the chopped garlic, kosher salt and black pepper and simmer for about 5 minutes over med/low heat then divide into 2 parts. One part should contain half of the melted butter and one quarter of the garlic, while the other half retains the rest of the garlic.

Next place your frozen Brussels Sprouts in a large bowl and season with kosher salt and black pepper. Now lightly drizzle the melted butter with the smaller amount of garlic over the frozen sprouts in 4 stages tossing in between. (Drizzle, toss, drizzle, toss, drizzle, toss, drizzle, toss.) Now the sprouts should have a nice garlic butter shell and are ready for the grill. If they are not going on the grill right away, place them in the freezer to keep them nice and cold.

Now, either propane or charcoal grill will work, but you must have some kind of 'grilling wok' like this.

I picked up a pair of them at Target for about 12 bucks a piece. Amazon sells them as well, here is the link.

Got one? Good. Now throw it on the grill over a three count fire or high heat for you propaniacs, and let the wok get good and hot. Now toss the sprouts and and listen to them sizzle. You will get a lot of flame up due to the melting butter, just grab the wok with a pair of tongs or your grilling mitt and give them a toss. I also keep my grilling spatula at hand to turn them frequently, keep them working until you start getting some nice char spots. After 5 to 10 minutes on the grill remove them to a oven safe dish, cover with the remaining garlic butter and slap them in the oven at 170 until they are done.