Sticky Sexy Smokey Grilled Pineapple

Fresh Pineapple
1 Banana (very ripe)

Dark Brown Sugar
Pure Vanilla Extract
All Spice Berry


Spiced Rum

Start your glaze by adding your very ripe banana and some spiced rum into a blender and puree until it is the consistency of baby food, add some pure vanilla extract and one small freshly ground allspice berry while blending. Add more rum as needed, especially to you.

Now place 2 cups of dark brown sugar into a sauce pan with enough water to cover it and bring to a boil and reduce the heat to medium. Now add the banana/rum mixture, stirring frequently, reduce the liquid volume by about a third. After this cools to room temperature place it in a squirt bottle, it should be about the same viscosity as room temp maple syrup.

I like to cut my pineapple into planks about the size of an ice cream sandwich, this size seems to hold up better to the grill and lets you get some good char on the outside while keeping the center al dente.

Now with your well seasoned grill preheated to 500º carefully lay down the plank and let it sizzle for about two minutes, then flip and drizzle some of the glaze on, grilling for another two minutes. Reduce the heat to 300º and continue turning and applying glaze to build up a nice sticky, smoky, sexy glaze. Remove when your happy.

Serve with anything... Especially homemade vanilla ice cream... (drool)


Making Fresh Butter

I haven't done this since I was in kindergarten! But I did it today and man! What a difference!!

Blackened Fish Tacos w/ Awesome Sauce!

Any mild whitefish: Monk, Swai, Roughy, Cod, Halibut, etc.

Tortillas (burrito style)

Plain Greek Style Yogurt

Rice Wine Vinegar
Old Bay 'Blackened' Seasoning
Sea Salt
Coarse Ground Black Pepper
Fines Herbs (parsley, chives, tarragon and chervil)

Red, Green & Nappa Cabbage
Fresh Cilantro
Fresh Jalapeno

The Sauce of Awsomeness

Avocados: Mashed / Limes: Juiced / Jalapeno: Finely Chopped

Add your avocados and an equal amount of yogurt along with your lime juice into a blender and pulse until smoothish. Add your jalapeno and a touch of sea salt to taste and blend very smooth, add a little milk if it's too thick. Transfer into a squirt bottle and refrigerate.


Shred up equal amounts of your cabbages and some carrots, toss with sweetened rice wine vinegar, ample black pepper and Fines Herbs.

Oh Fishy Fishy Fishy Fish...

Thaw your fillets and dry, liberally season both sides with Old Bay Blackened and a touch of sea salt. Heat your well oiled, cast iron skillet to 350º. I used a pepper infused oil myself but any cooking oil will do, now place the fish in the hot skillet, cover and cook until you are sure you've cooked it too long.. I'm serious, get some fonde built up, don't worry about it sticking. When you are ready to flip it, get the spatch under the tail end and scratch it up lengthwise, then give it a flip. Cover and cook for two more minutes. Kill the heat, remove the cover and roughly chop up the fish, making sure to scrape the bottom of the pan for all that charliciousness in the bottom, cover and set aside.

Warm your tortillas and add what and how much of what you like and poke it down your neck!


Baked Whitefish w/ Lemon & Cilantro


Whitefish fillets (Pollock, Orange Roughy, Cod, Halibut, etc)

2 Lemons
1 White Onion
2 Bunches Cilantro


Kosher Salt
Black Pepper

Pre heat oven to 325º. Lightly grease a glass baking dish with butter, add the fillets (fresh or frozen) season with salt and pepper. Thinly slice the onions and one lemon and place them over the fillets, juice the other lemon and pour over the lot, cover with foil and bake for 20 minutes. Carefully peel back the foil and add generous amounts of fresh cilantro, recover and continue baking until the fish is done. The reason I add the cilantro last is so that it retains a nice bright green color.


Man Makes Chicken with Pears

And now...

"Cooking with Christopher Walken"



It was a fine night for grilling at the secret bunker test kitchen, so nice in fact we actually left the confines of our reinforced concrete fortress for the open air to test out a new product and some new ideas.

Firstly, friends, readers and fellow goons at our favorite torrid little corner of the intrawebs, www.somethingawful.com, have blathered on about this seasoning called 'Bacon Salt'. We procured some of it at our local Black Market grocer and decided to give it a go, even after discovering that the fourth ingrediant on the list is -gasp- M.S.G!! But migranes be damned, this must be tried!!
What goes better with pork? More pork of course! We assembled four chops from our favorite unclean animal and lightly seasoned them with the Bacon Salt and slapped them on the grill.

Next, we have one pound each of fresh green beans and baby carrots. The green beans have been washed, dried, tossed in oil and seasoned with koshering salt, black pepper and Old Bay.

We have rinsed and dried our carrots, tossed them in oil and added half a cup of dark brown sugar and ample black pepper and tossed them again to coat.

Now with our grill nice and hot and our oiled grill woks in place we begin! Working quickly the veg were tossed at regular intervals with the reserved brown sugar liquid lightly drizzled over the sizzling carrots.

Both the beans and carrots were started at the same time and the beans were done far before the carrots. Next time I will use crinkle cut carrot chips for faster cooking. So, as the carrots were finishing off, I grilled some sweet corn as well.

The Bacon Salt was extremely tasty! Too bad about all the MSG, but with the scant amount I used, the flavor was prominent and not over powering and I didn't notice any discernible negative effects. On a scale of 1 to 10 I would give it a strong 7, with the dreaded MSG being it's only downfall.

The green beans were the show stealer! Cooked al dente but still with a nice bright green color and fresh flavor intermingled with the smokey, sexy char flavor of the grill. Next batch I think I'm going to toss some slivered almonds and garlic into the mix and see what happens...

Finally the carrots, aside from being a bit boney, the flavor was excellent. An ever so slight sweetness with a touch of black pepper and smoke. Next time I will definitely use crinkle cut carrot chips and give them more time to marinate.


Beer Brats with 'Sconnie Schmaltz

Being a Wisconsin Hillbilly knowing how to properly cook brats is a given. But I have to remember that not everyone is fortunate enough to hail from the fog shrouded valleys and heavily wooded hills of the Kettle Moraine, so in that case let me educate you in the proper technique.


As many fresh brats* as you desire

Yellow Onions (1 onion for every 3 brats)


Black Peppercorns
Koshering Salt

Beer (1 bottle for every 3 brats)

* "Fresh Brats" does not mean Johnsonville or any other such mass produced crap. Go to a butcher shop, a real damn butcher shop where the guys wear white paper hats and bloody aprons and get some real bratwurst. One more thing, brat does not rhyme with cat, it rhymes with pot, say it right.

Now toss all your brats in a big pot, add your beer and your quartered onions, some peppercorns and a pinch of sage and heat on low. If your brats are not completely covered just top it off with some water. Now brats can tend to curl when cooked, if you want a nice straight brats for the buns, before you toss them in the pot, stick a wooden skewer down the center and snip off the ends leaving about an inch on either side. This will keep them nice and straight as they simmer. Once the brats are fully cooked, remove them and turn the heat up to high on the remaining liquid and add 1 stick of butter per dozen brats cooked and some koshering salt, skimming off the foam as necessary. Let this boil at med/high until you've reduced it to a nice thick consistency.

Go start the grill and once you've got a nice three count fire, remove the skewers if you've used them and slap them on the grill and roast them to your preferred color. I like my brats to look like a bad night in the burn ward..

Once the brats and schmaltz are finished, slap them in a brat bun, goop on some schmaltz and any other condiment you desire as long as it is either ketchup, mustard or sauerkraut, crack a cold beer and gorge yourself silly.